Soren's English Journal

14 Day’s before “The Event”: ‘GCSE Creative writing’

Year 2552
14 days before “The Event”

The bright white light almost blinded Joe as he awoke from his deep, artificial sleep. The cold room was dead silent except for a distant rhythmic beeping. As Joe’s eyes adjusted to the blinding light he gradually rose from his bed in search for its source. It was pouring in from a series of elongated windows which stretched far across the entire right flank of the room and as Joe looked through the oversized glass panes he saw it, an airborne city-scape, suspended high in mid air. Joe, marveling at it’s magnificence was savoring the sight; for ten years of training he finally acquired the chance to see it; the city of the sky, Olympus.
Once content with his time marveling at the airborne city Joe came to notice the large amount of transparent tubes feeding into his casted arm. He pulled them out, forcing him to drop to the floor.

When the pain subsided Joe stared in grief at this unfamiliar limb, questioning what had just occurred. Instantly in alarm, Joe thought to himself “I don’t remember having that!” . The remains of the broken cast lay scattered across the cold floor, revealing a metallic glove in their place; or at least that is what Joe thought it to be before he realized it was attached. The new found limb was motionless and dull of colour, yet still seemed somewhat interesting due to its complex arrangement of parts. The one aspect however, that struck out was the red light on top of his mechanical forearm.

A sudden jolt then came from his robotic arm, then another. Joe stood up trying to remember the impulsive thoughts he had used recently to recreate the movements. 3 minutes passed without any result, the light was still red. Joe gave up and walked slowly to the single door in the room. It was locked. As he, in disappointment, was walking back to his bed he made the observation that his mechanical arm weighed as much as his real arm. This seemed logical, having a limb heavier than another would throw your body off balance, even when doing the simplest of tasks.

Footsteps could be heard from outside the door………………….

BIO-MECHANIC ERA

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One response to “14 Day’s before “The Event”: ‘GCSE Creative writing’”

  1. theamazingkeith Avatar
    theamazingkeith

    Good: it flows quite well and there is a good lot behind it; it made me want to find out what Olympus is and why it wasa reveled by the character.

    Bad: I believe that you could improve your work by putting it into the present tense, for example ‘ a series of elongated windows which stretched far across the entire right flank of the room.’ Would read better, and put a better image in the readers mind if you wrote ‘ a series of elongated windows stretching far across the entire right flank of the room.’. You also use contradictory terms too much, for example ‘Joe marveled at it’s magnificence, but also savored the sight’ would have a better flow if you wrote ‘Joe marveled at it’s magnificence, savouring the sight’. This example also is relevant to writing in the present tense.
    More commas!!!
    Too much just a stream of conscience!

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